Winter blues and shifting sands
It's been a funny old month, November. I've been realising slowly how badly winter affects me. I think I have a form of SAD because I can feel myself slipping into sadness and feelings of inadequacy as the days shorten and the weather gets colder. For some reason this november has been decidedly worse than previous ones. I guess it started when my lovely Grandma was taken into hospital 300 miles away with absolutely no prospect of being able to visit her. We've been trying to persuade her to come up here to live near us, but there are complications, not least of which is that she is 90 years old and very unsure of moving so far. I had the task of dealing with the hospital, social services and home help agency before she could be discharged and it helped me to be able to do something. She was finally allowed home after being assessed and having a new and better care package arranged.
Feeling overwhelmed seems to be a semi-permanent state with me at this time of year. Small things get blown out of all proportion by my over-taxed brain and I feel like I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I have described it to myself as feeling like my brain is a hedgehog turned inside out with the prickles all attacking me. I remember one particularly horrible day early on in the month when Daddy Bear said something, probably innocuous, when I was feeling low, and I went completely into myself, convinced that he didn't understand or value me at all. I took myself off out of the house and marched myself up to a beautiful waterfall nearby where I stood crying in the rain, certain that the world was about to end. I barely noticed the beauty of the place, and I felt so very alone and unloved. Luckily when I came home we were able to talk and reconnect, and Daddy bear was able to listen and just hold me close. I realised it was more about me and my physical and mental state than about 'us'. The mood swings since have caught me off guard and left me gasping for air at times. I wish I had upswings as well as down ones, but I am aware enough to see that if I look after myself better I can cope. It can be hard to muster the energy and find the time to do the things that I know will help, such as good food and exercise, but it is crucial that I keep on working on it.
November is also a very full-on time for me with loads of close family birthdays, including my middle daughter. Coming as they do so close to Christmas I feel under so much pressure to find presents and create good times and memories. This November I felt like I barely limped through them all, but Daddy bear was on hand to take the pressure off and deal with some of the birthdays himself. It was a huge help, especially as he is so loving and complimentary about the job I was doing in trying to make people happy. His is one of the birthdays, and it was really happy for both of us.
So now that is out of the way and I can start trying to look forward to Christmas. I promised myself that I'd do my best to get most of the buying and sorting done by the end of November, and I have. Only a few more gifts to buy. It'll be a more frugal Christmas than some but no less happy for all that, I hope.
As to shifting sands, that is what I have realised that home ed relationships can be. When you think that life is fairly settled something comes along to blow your cosy ideas out of the water and unsettle you. It's nothing really major, and I don't think I could put my finger on it if I tried, but it all feels so fluid, as though life is going on around you and you have no power over what is going on or what people mean to you, or more importantly, what you mean to them. Living where we do, an hour's drive from most other home edders, and with the added complication of the price of petrol to worry about, it can be easy to feel left out of the loop. I have to choose carefully what we will be involved with and make difficult prioritising decisions about the kind of interaction I feel will be best for the kids and me. I've no doubt that this particular aspect of home edding will continue to be problematic. I can just about cope with being uncertain as to my relationships with others, but when it starts to affect the kids it makes life very tough indeed. Both the girls are very sociable creatures and seem to need more friends than I can supply. They are 7 and 4. Their older brother seems more sanguine about it, happy to slot in with others when the opportunity arises, but content enough with our small family circle. The girls seem to crave other children, especially girls, and complain that they have no one to play with. I wish I could wave a magic wand and provide the company they need, but in the absence of this I am a little lost and at sea.
And finally, a little bit of positivity. I have 3 tuesday mornings between now and Christmas and I've set myself the task of going to to our tiny little local library to try and write some of the children's books, the ideas for which have been crowding in on me for some time now. I am alternately excited and terrified, convinced of my ability and certain I'll fail. I have absolutely no idea of the nuts and bolts of the writing business, such as how to present my work to publishers, but after ten years of looking after little ones the one thing I do know about is how books are crafted. All I have to do now is conquer the tyranny of the blank page and regardless of how it's 'supposed' to be done, find my own way through it and out the other side. Anyone know of any good writing courses in the north east?
