a house full of tyrants

A song from Les Mis (a heart full of love) started playing in my head as I typed the title.  There it goes, trundling around in the background. Feel free to either ignore it or sing along.

I have come to the conclusion that I don't run my house, it runs me - ragged. Every corner sneers and nags at me. Do this, finish that, spend some time with me. And even when I succeed in ignoring its pleadings and beratings and concentrate on the children, things start to nag me from their little dens. The aprons in the drawer and the beaters from the electric whisk complain that I haven't done any baking with the kids lately, while the books on the girls' bookcase shelves accuse me of not reading as much to Littlest as I did to her Big Sister. 'There are titles here she's never even seen, never mind had them read to her' they complain. There are unopened science kits, websites to be trawled, educational materials as yet untried, outdoor toys languishing, well, outside, and any number of plans still to be fully explored. It's like living life in a negative. ( remember those? You know, before the days of digital photography). The things I haven't done, the things I don't do and the things I have yet to do are so easy to spot, they are so much in evidence, that I have real difficulty focussing on the things we do actually do and the great leaps of understanding that happen on a day to day basis. Everyone else, I tell myself, is so busy doing really worthwhile educational things, while I can't get even going in the mornings. Achieving just one thing a day feels like climbing a mountain, in terms of the effort taken and the euphoria when it's done.

Given all these tyrants is it any wonder I never get around to doing the things that might bring some extra money into the house (never mind giving me some creative satisfaction)? Even if I could afford, say, a cleaner or some extra childcare, I'd feel really awkward about doing it, as there is something inbuilt in me that says that it is down to each household to run that household. And the truth is that I really do love being with my family as they grow and explore and make sense of their world. Something's gonna have to give. What, I have no idea. It can't be the kids, or my sleep (jealously guarded) or the house, no matter the love/hate relationship I have with it. I'll just have to look more closely in to this cloning thing...