colours, masts, nailing, that kind of thing...

*Irony and tongue in cheek warning.* 

I'm not usually one for horoscopes, but the one in my Green Parent magazine just leapt out at me, and more in an ambush kind of way than an inspiring way. It started off by talking about something called Eris, so I had to look that up, obviously. It seems it's a recently-discovered dwarf planet, and as is usually the case, its size is inversely proportionate to the amount of chaos it can cause. Apparently. Just like kids.

It said "Eris was discovered July 29th" (my big girl's birthday as it happens) "2005, and since then has been ascribed to the keyword 'discord'. Now in your sign and taking 560 years to orbit the sun, she is in your sign for the whole of your life, so making peace with her would be a good idea. Since Aries is 'ruled' by Mars, the god of war, coming to terms with the true meaning of discord would enhance your life greatly. You don't have to create waves to be seen. Try negotiations, discussion and trust. That's the best approach in these changing times." 

Oh great. That's just what I need. A lifetime dogged by discord. It turns out that the Eris of classical mythology was the life and soul of the party, quite literally. At a great banquet, to which she had not been invited, she tossed a golden apple onto the table of the gods. The apple had 'for the fairest' written on it and Hera and Athena and Aphrodite all claimed it; when Paris (prince of Troy) awarded it to Aphrodite it began a chain of events that led to the Trojan War. Fantastic. A lifetime watching out for a malicious little goddess, who likes causing trouble. Still in some ways I'm kinda used to it. A close family member bears a striking resemblance to her, in behavioural terms at least. I'd love to think that having Eris in my life will prove to be a positive thing. I've already managed to avert a major family crisis by thinking as clearly as possible and keeping calm, but it was a huge effort, and all I really wanted to do was stamp my foot, rage and explode all over people.

The worst thing is that I don't deal with conflict well. Between my kids I can handle it, but between me and other people I find it tricky. I think very carefully about things before I decide on my opinions so obviously that makes me right (tongue in cheek) and anyone who disagrees with me must be wrong.  If I like someone I tend to think that they'll agree with everything I say and think, because it stands to reason that they'll be like me. So I bumble on, blissful in my unthinking assumptions and then they'll say or do something that knocks me back on my heels. Turns out that they weren't exactly like me, and that they hold different opinions. How can this be? They seemed so nice. Heavens! Does that mean I'm not nice? Or maybe my opinion wasn't as right as I thought. Confusion reigns whilst I equivocate and backpedal like mad trying to reestablish some common ground ('quick, brain, quick! Must find something we agree on otherwise the fabric of the very universe will be rent in twain!').

I don't mind group discussions, which may or may not involve a bit of discord, as long as I don't feel like I'm the only one holding a certain opinion. Usually though I can back up my opinions with information or evidence of some kind (although there are those discussions, and we all have them, where you think of the perfect thing to say 10 mins after the discussion has finished and you're already on the way home).

I find cyber groups really tricky when negotiating contentious subjects. If someone expresses a strong opinion on a subject which is at variance with your own, following Abraham Lincoln's advice would seem to be politic in most cases 'Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt'. Then again, what you have to say may add something to the debate, and the back and forth of thoughts could enhance the knowledge and opinion-forming on both sides. And people may think more of you for having the courage to speak out and express yourself. Or perhaps not. It could just lead to entrenched positions and a pointless waste of energy, not to mention the threat of needless disharmony between the parties that didn't exist before. Thanks Eris. Nice one.

 I've been thinking a lot about what to do when it seems that I'm the only person I know who thinks the way I do on any given issue. I was driving the kids around the countryside recently when it suddenly came to me.  We all know the saying 'There's someone for everyone' and it occurred to me that you could apply that to this particular form of discord. If you know of just one other person who thinks the same way as you then you are no longer alone, and your opinion is immediately validated. Not necessarily right, but then there are degrees of 'right'. All I needed to do was to think of at least one person whose opinions chime with mine on any given issue. An issue-buddy. I'll list a few. This is where the nailing of colours to masts comes in. There's no way Eris is catching me out by making me list ALL of them. There are some things it's not worth stirring up. 

So my incomplete list is:

 Fox hunting - Anne Widdecombe (strange, but true)

Anything relating to the USA - Jon Stewart

So-called political correctness - Stewart Lee

Home edding - John Holt, Sandra Dodd and other insoirational home edders I've met

Birth and breastfeeing - Jack Newman and Michel Odent

If you disagree with any of this, maybe you could get an issues-buddy;-)