Shaking off the shackles

It has become painfully obvious to me recently that the computer can be a force for disquiet as well as for good. I made a conscious decision this week to take a step back from some of the activities I take part in online and I was very pleased to note that I'm feeling a lot less anxious and worried, perhaps as a result of this decision, perhaps not. I have tended to get sucked into less than constructive discussions, whether as a contributor or just a spectator. All of this takes me away from 'real life' and something which should be a source of support and comfort actually adds to the feelings of impotence which have been plaguing me. As I've said before it is a case of balancing my need to keep myself informed, and looking after my emotional well-being. I've come down on the side of backing off from things in cyberspace which are sapping my energy and drawing me away from the things which are truly sustaining and which have suffered as a result of me becoming a bit obsessed with things I can do nothing to influence. I am truly grateful to those people who are working tirelessly to ensure our freedom to home educate and I will continue to support them in whatever way I can, but there comes a time when I have to admit to myself that there is only so much I can do in that regard. I have forced myself to keep away from my computer and to turn to those things in my life which are really sustaining, such as my relationship with members of my family. Worrying about how and whether I can add anything meaningful to certain online discussions has sapped my strength, and at times I have felt myself being involuntarily pulled into the screen and away from my family. I could feel it happening and felt powerless to stop it. It's utterly mesmerising at times, but I've managed to break the grip of  this cyber-hoover.

The other thing I've notivced this week is that just when I get to the point in life where I feel I'm getting somewhere in terms of ceating order out of the chaos that surrounds me, somehting happens to throw a spanner in the works. On the same day that I made a list of the things I need to get done around the house in order to feel that I was at a stage where I could  look confidently toward the future, I managed to damage my shoulder and was unable to complete my allotted tasks. At other times I've come down with something or things happen to stop me getting to where I feel I need to be. It's frustrating, but maybe it's worth examining this in more depth to see whether this enforced change of direction actually does me any good in the long run. I can't see it at the moment as I was so looking forward to clearing the decks and starting to see the shape of the house underneath, but then again I had two experiences that helped me to mentally map out an avenue that had become blocked in my mind. I read the mathematician's lament, an article which explores the unhelpful way in which maths is taught in schools and then I had a very enlightening conversation with another home educator whose husband is a mathematician, which very much echoed the sentiments in the article. These things helped me to realise that there can be another response to the worrying feelings of not doing enough or not doing it right. There is always a way to think laterally about an issue and to find another way through, and the way I think I should do it can be replaced by the way I feel I can do it. I hope that makes sense. At the moment I feel as though I have found a map, but I'm not at the point yet where I can see the actual landscape. However I have found a renewed faith in myself and my way of finding solutions to problems.