That was then, this is now

I've been thinking a lot lately about the way I parent. I'm a big fan of Faber and Mazlish mainly because, when I read this book for the first time, I was struck by how much of it I was already doing instinctively, yet there was still a lot to learn about parenting in a positive way. I think I occasionaly approach TCS (Taking Children Seriously) but it's mostly a combination of relaxed parenting and my own particular spin of respect and compassion. With a dollop of Cesar Millan too:-) It works for dogs, but it also seems to work for children, especially when I remember to do the exercise part. I can't manage the four-hour hikes that Cesar does every morning, but we get fresh air and pack migration as often as possible. I digress.
What I was mostly thinking is that doing it this way demands a lot of energy and effort from me. And a lot of tolerance, patience, compassion, thought and negotiation. I should apply for a job a the UN. It'd be a breeze. The other day I had picked up a big bag of bird seed from the garden centre and the girls and I went through a whole long rigmarole of which child gets to sit where in the car. Although I was quite pleased at how I handled it and got the girls to agree on a workable solution, part of me was screaming ' Why shouldn't I just do it the way my parents did it?' You probably know what I mean. It would have been a case of 'Right! You sit there and you sit there. And shut up!' Never did me any harm, I thought to myself. Then I gave myself a chance to reflect on that thought. Actually it did do a lot of harm. It set my brother and me against each other. While our parents were around we were nominally obedient. Out of sight of my parents he was quite sadistic towards me. I can see now how obvious it is that that would happen. If you repress children and give them no say in their life then they are going to react against it in the only way they know how, which is to repress someone else in their turn. I truly believe that is how bullying happens in schools too. This kind of parenting also allows children no way of learning how to be anything but dependant and helpless and that sets up endless internal conflicts on reaching adulthood. My kids are lively and noisy and bolshy, but I'm almost certain that they are not mean or spiteful or sneaky with each other because they don't have to be. They get to work out how things should be in front of me. And I hope they realise that all feelings are acceptable, but that some actions aren't. And that it is possible to work things out in a way that respects everyone's needs as far as is workable.