gaining perspective, I hope

A few days ago Daddy Bear and I were chatting about life in general and a project of his that was coming up that he was really excited about. I said how great it was that he could be doing something he really enjoyed. He agreed and said he wished I could find something I really loved too. Then he said 'You used to really enjoy being a mum'. I was suddenly struck to the core. He didn't mean it in a nasty way, far from it, but I suddenly realised that he was right. I did really enjoy being a mum, but recently it's just felt like a hard slog. It's not the kids themselves, although they can be hard work at times. It's the stress of this whole situation and the fact that I can't see an end to it. I'm stressed out and the kids seemed to pick up on that. And they seem really stressed too at times. Then I start blaming myself, because it's obviously my fault, or that's how it seems. If I was a better mum I'd be able to keep them happy. This endless guilt-feeling then pervades everything and I start to feel that I'm not doing anything 'right'. It's at times like this that attitudes such as those in the Badman report really start to get to me, and I wonder what on earth I'm doing, home educating three kids. I mean if I'm not teaching them stuff how can they possibly be getting a 'suitable education'? Little things become huge and loom over me like giant shadows. And everything becomes my problem to solve. It's a paralysing feeling.

I'm so angry and worried and stressed that the only way to deal with it seems to be to plug myself almost permanently in to the computer so that I can keep myself up to date with what's happening. The trouble is it doesn't seem to be helping. It only adds to my feelings of impotence, and takes me away from the kinds of things I 'ought' to be doing to keep myself sane. I'm sure the kids are sick of seeing the back of my head and hearing my non-commital mumblings. I'm not eating well, and I know that I should be in order to keep myself on an even keel. It's just one more chore though. Eating properly is hard work.

I'll be taking the kids to Scotland camping at the end of the week. We'll be borrowing my Big Girl's tent and camping in the grounds of a castle. There'll be trips to the beach and visits to interesting places and a chance to really connect with the children again without all the usual distractions. There may also be  freezing, shivery sleeping-bagged nights and the threat of another dose of d and v, but I'm on the case and will do all I can to make it pleasant and healthy. I learnt a lot from the last camp we went on. It'll be just a few days and nights but I really hope it might give me a little perspective on this whole distressing time.

A couple of years ago I stopped watching or listening to any news on the tv or radio because I felt that, as it was mostly bad news, it was distressing to listen to and there was nothing I could do about any of the news I listened to so it was ultimately a pointless exercise. What was the point in keeping myself informed about things I was powerless to influence? The difference with this situation is that I am involved, whether I like it or not, and I can't choose to ignore it because it won't ignore me or my family. It's hard to know whether I've done all I can do, which is one of the only ways for me to deal with it. If I get to the end of it and feel I could have influenced the outcome differently if I'd done this or that, I'll feel like I've failed my family, so I'm tring to pre -empt all that by second-guessing what this or that could be,and making sure I've done it. I know none of this is personal, but it feels like it is. It's my family it'll be affecting. It's my children's home that'll be invaded by strangers. It's our whole way of life that's under threat and that can be taken away from us on a whim.

Here's hoping I come back feeling refreshed and renewed.

Let's go round again

I have become so sick of waking in the morning feeling angry and upset, so I spent some time yesterday listing in my head all the adjectives I could think of to describe how I am feeling. I was going to note them all here this morning to try and exorcise the helplessness that overcomes me. Strangely enough though, when I woke up this morning another idea suggested itself and I entertained myself for a while seeing how it developed in my head. This is the result: 

Ok now. Are those straps nice and comfy? The ones round your wrist? And your ankles? Not too tight? Good. How about the one round your waist? Well, we wouldn't want you sliding off, now would we?. Mind you centrifugal force will probably hold you on once we get going. Hark at me using big words like centrifugal. Must have learnt something in school after all, eh? A gag? Whatever gave you that idea? We wouldn't be able to talk about how it's going would we? No, I think that one's a non-starter. Oh, now you're just being silly. How would I be able to see what I'm doing if I've got a blindfold on? Well, it may be how all the best ones do it, but they've had years of practice. I'm sure they all had to start somewhere.

Sorry what was that? This sharpener's awfully loud when it gets going isn't it? My desired/ planned outcomes? Well, I guess that would be for the knives to hit the board. Somewhere. Eventually. Ouch! Yes they're ready. Now I wonder whether I should take the systematic, step-by-step approach or just hurl myself into it. Ah well, never one to do things the conventional way. Let's just do it, eh? Sorry, what was that? You thought we were going to agree on a twelve month plan? I hardly think that's necessary, this isn't going to last that long, more's the pity... Anyway, enough of this nattering, we're not getting any learning done just talking about it are we? So, here we go, I just push this bit of the table and: Round and round and round he goes, where he stops nobody knows. It's making me dizzy just looking at you, maybe a blindfold would have been a better idea. No matter. I'll just focus on the middle distance. Now, slowly back... and...throw! How was that one? Did it hit anywhere? Erk, yes I can see that. Better luck next time,eh? Yes, I'm sure there's a first-aider around here somewhere. Still we'll leave that for later. Wouldn't want to interrupt the flow. How on earth would I learn if I was flitting from one thing to another all the time? No, sorry, you''re just going to have to sit tight and let me get on with it. Let's try another one. There! Much better. Very nearly hit the wood that time, if only your arm hadn't got in the way like that.  

 Well, I suppose I could have taken lessons in it from an expert, but I find that when you've mastered something by your own efforts it's more, well, satisfying, don't you think? Look I'm half way there, I reckon. Could you be quiet for a minute, do you think, and let me concentrate? Got to get in the zone. Whoosh! Don't they make a lovely noise whizzing through the air? Oh, what are you complaining about now!? I only nicked a bit of skin that time. Pretty good throw I thought, right in the middle of the board. Bull's eye, I'd say. Sorry? It's pinned your what? Odd, didn't think you had any of those. Oh well, you live and learn.

You're slowing down a bit. I'll just give it another push. Oh that's much better. I can hardly see you. You're just a blur. Funny how the colours all meld into each other like that. You've gone all grey. No your clothes, I mean. Ok, hold onto your hat. No I know you're not wearing a hat. Have you never heard of a figure of speech? You're a what? Oh I see, your background is in science not english. You ought to know all about basing conclusions on evidence then. Let's give you some more shall we? How about that one? And that one? and that one? Well, I thought that was the whole idea. You do something repetitively and you automatically improve. Well, now, that's not very supportive, is it? I've only tried six of them.

You're really going to have to stop screaming. How do you expect me to focus with that racket going on? It's really quite hypnotic watching you go round and round and round and round. Huh? You're ... sounding...very ... faint... Oh yes. Sorry, I was miles away. Well, how on earth would I be able to hit you, er, the board if I really was. You don't seem to have grasped even the basic mechanics of this. Let's try one last one, shall we? Call it my valedictory. It's a  term Americans use. Never heard of it? Oh well, we've both learnt something then. Let's make this one a good one. And... whack! Oh yes, definitely the best so far. I can see you're quite speechless. No, didn't catch that. Say again. Through the what? Oh well, that'd explain it then. No wonder I can't make out what you're saying. Nope, still sounds like gobbledigook to me. I'm going to have to pull that one out. Oh, don't be such a baby. A little bit of pain never hurt anyone. Now, now, the bell's for me, not you. Actually it's my ringer timer. The kids have been doing some baking while we've been learning this new skill.

You'll have to speak a bit slower. Well, it's all swollen for a start. I can barely understand one word in three. Try again. Measuring my progress against my plans?  I guess that would be counting the number of knives that hit the board and stayed in. Well, that's all of them then. Oh except the one that bounced off your head. Must have been due to the thickness of your parietal bone. That's biology. Well, anatomy actually.  Sorry? I don't see how that's an accurate gauge. I mean what's the amount of blood got to do with anything? I'd say that was more of an unintended outcome. Still, I reckon I score quite highly on that too. What do you think? Hello? Are you still there?Well, now. That's not very professional, is it? The least he could do was stay awake. It really is impossible to find someone with the necessary qualities these days.