Let's go round again

I have become so sick of waking in the morning feeling angry and upset, so I spent some time yesterday listing in my head all the adjectives I could think of to describe how I am feeling. I was going to note them all here this morning to try and exorcise the helplessness that overcomes me. Strangely enough though, when I woke up this morning another idea suggested itself and I entertained myself for a while seeing how it developed in my head. This is the result: 

Ok now. Are those straps nice and comfy? The ones round your wrist? And your ankles? Not too tight? Good. How about the one round your waist? Well, we wouldn't want you sliding off, now would we?. Mind you centrifugal force will probably hold you on once we get going. Hark at me using big words like centrifugal. Must have learnt something in school after all, eh? A gag? Whatever gave you that idea? We wouldn't be able to talk about how it's going would we? No, I think that one's a non-starter. Oh, now you're just being silly. How would I be able to see what I'm doing if I've got a blindfold on? Well, it may be how all the best ones do it, but they've had years of practice. I'm sure they all had to start somewhere.

Sorry what was that? This sharpener's awfully loud when it gets going isn't it? My desired/ planned outcomes? Well, I guess that would be for the knives to hit the board. Somewhere. Eventually. Ouch! Yes they're ready. Now I wonder whether I should take the systematic, step-by-step approach or just hurl myself into it. Ah well, never one to do things the conventional way. Let's just do it, eh? Sorry, what was that? You thought we were going to agree on a twelve month plan? I hardly think that's necessary, this isn't going to last that long, more's the pity... Anyway, enough of this nattering, we're not getting any learning done just talking about it are we? So, here we go, I just push this bit of the table and: Round and round and round he goes, where he stops nobody knows. It's making me dizzy just looking at you, maybe a blindfold would have been a better idea. No matter. I'll just focus on the middle distance. Now, slowly back... and...throw! How was that one? Did it hit anywhere? Erk, yes I can see that. Better luck next time,eh? Yes, I'm sure there's a first-aider around here somewhere. Still we'll leave that for later. Wouldn't want to interrupt the flow. How on earth would I learn if I was flitting from one thing to another all the time? No, sorry, you''re just going to have to sit tight and let me get on with it. Let's try another one. There! Much better. Very nearly hit the wood that time, if only your arm hadn't got in the way like that.  

 Well, I suppose I could have taken lessons in it from an expert, but I find that when you've mastered something by your own efforts it's more, well, satisfying, don't you think? Look I'm half way there, I reckon. Could you be quiet for a minute, do you think, and let me concentrate? Got to get in the zone. Whoosh! Don't they make a lovely noise whizzing through the air? Oh, what are you complaining about now!? I only nicked a bit of skin that time. Pretty good throw I thought, right in the middle of the board. Bull's eye, I'd say. Sorry? It's pinned your what? Odd, didn't think you had any of those. Oh well, you live and learn.

You're slowing down a bit. I'll just give it another push. Oh that's much better. I can hardly see you. You're just a blur. Funny how the colours all meld into each other like that. You've gone all grey. No your clothes, I mean. Ok, hold onto your hat. No I know you're not wearing a hat. Have you never heard of a figure of speech? You're a what? Oh I see, your background is in science not english. You ought to know all about basing conclusions on evidence then. Let's give you some more shall we? How about that one? And that one? and that one? Well, I thought that was the whole idea. You do something repetitively and you automatically improve. Well, now, that's not very supportive, is it? I've only tried six of them.

You're really going to have to stop screaming. How do you expect me to focus with that racket going on? It's really quite hypnotic watching you go round and round and round and round. Huh? You're ... sounding...very ... faint... Oh yes. Sorry, I was miles away. Well, how on earth would I be able to hit you, er, the board if I really was. You don't seem to have grasped even the basic mechanics of this. Let's try one last one, shall we? Call it my valedictory. It's a  term Americans use. Never heard of it? Oh well, we've both learnt something then. Let's make this one a good one. And... whack! Oh yes, definitely the best so far. I can see you're quite speechless. No, didn't catch that. Say again. Through the what? Oh well, that'd explain it then. No wonder I can't make out what you're saying. Nope, still sounds like gobbledigook to me. I'm going to have to pull that one out. Oh, don't be such a baby. A little bit of pain never hurt anyone. Now, now, the bell's for me, not you. Actually it's my ringer timer. The kids have been doing some baking while we've been learning this new skill.

You'll have to speak a bit slower. Well, it's all swollen for a start. I can barely understand one word in three. Try again. Measuring my progress against my plans?  I guess that would be counting the number of knives that hit the board and stayed in. Well, that's all of them then. Oh except the one that bounced off your head. Must have been due to the thickness of your parietal bone. That's biology. Well, anatomy actually.  Sorry? I don't see how that's an accurate gauge. I mean what's the amount of blood got to do with anything? I'd say that was more of an unintended outcome. Still, I reckon I score quite highly on that too. What do you think? Hello? Are you still there?Well, now. That's not very professional, is it? The least he could do was stay awake. It really is impossible to find someone with the necessary qualities these days.