gaining perspective, I hope

A few days ago Daddy Bear and I were chatting about life in general and a project of his that was coming up that he was really excited about. I said how great it was that he could be doing something he really enjoyed. He agreed and said he wished I could find something I really loved too. Then he said 'You used to really enjoy being a mum'. I was suddenly struck to the core. He didn't mean it in a nasty way, far from it, but I suddenly realised that he was right. I did really enjoy being a mum, but recently it's just felt like a hard slog. It's not the kids themselves, although they can be hard work at times. It's the stress of this whole situation and the fact that I can't see an end to it. I'm stressed out and the kids seemed to pick up on that. And they seem really stressed too at times. Then I start blaming myself, because it's obviously my fault, or that's how it seems. If I was a better mum I'd be able to keep them happy. This endless guilt-feeling then pervades everything and I start to feel that I'm not doing anything 'right'. It's at times like this that attitudes such as those in the Badman report really start to get to me, and I wonder what on earth I'm doing, home educating three kids. I mean if I'm not teaching them stuff how can they possibly be getting a 'suitable education'? Little things become huge and loom over me like giant shadows. And everything becomes my problem to solve. It's a paralysing feeling.

I'm so angry and worried and stressed that the only way to deal with it seems to be to plug myself almost permanently in to the computer so that I can keep myself up to date with what's happening. The trouble is it doesn't seem to be helping. It only adds to my feelings of impotence, and takes me away from the kinds of things I 'ought' to be doing to keep myself sane. I'm sure the kids are sick of seeing the back of my head and hearing my non-commital mumblings. I'm not eating well, and I know that I should be in order to keep myself on an even keel. It's just one more chore though. Eating properly is hard work.

I'll be taking the kids to Scotland camping at the end of the week. We'll be borrowing my Big Girl's tent and camping in the grounds of a castle. There'll be trips to the beach and visits to interesting places and a chance to really connect with the children again without all the usual distractions. There may also be  freezing, shivery sleeping-bagged nights and the threat of another dose of d and v, but I'm on the case and will do all I can to make it pleasant and healthy. I learnt a lot from the last camp we went on. It'll be just a few days and nights but I really hope it might give me a little perspective on this whole distressing time.

A couple of years ago I stopped watching or listening to any news on the tv or radio because I felt that, as it was mostly bad news, it was distressing to listen to and there was nothing I could do about any of the news I listened to so it was ultimately a pointless exercise. What was the point in keeping myself informed about things I was powerless to influence? The difference with this situation is that I am involved, whether I like it or not, and I can't choose to ignore it because it won't ignore me or my family. It's hard to know whether I've done all I can do, which is one of the only ways for me to deal with it. If I get to the end of it and feel I could have influenced the outcome differently if I'd done this or that, I'll feel like I've failed my family, so I'm tring to pre -empt all that by second-guessing what this or that could be,and making sure I've done it. I know none of this is personal, but it feels like it is. It's my family it'll be affecting. It's my children's home that'll be invaded by strangers. It's our whole way of life that's under threat and that can be taken away from us on a whim.

Here's hoping I come back feeling refreshed and renewed.